The Battle From Within
Recently, I was going through some of my papers and found many self-help reflections. It caught me off guard as I’m currently doing quite similar things to what I’ve done in the past. Yet, things haven't changed all that much for me. From an external standpoint, absolutely, but within I still face the same problems I’ve always faced. I have not risen above them. Or at least yet.
It's concerning and makes me think of Sisyphus. After being damned by the gods, he pushes a boulder up a hill just for it to roll back down. This repeats into eternity. This thought echo in my head. Movement, but no true forward progress. Am I Sisyphus? Are we all Sisyphus in some way?
Another view is the hill never ends. It continues on forever upwards. One pushes the boulder and makes progress upwards—or so it seems. But the moment one becomes tired or stops pushing, the weight overtakes and the boulder rolls all the way back to the bottom. The cycle begins again.
Maybe the issue isn't the boulder rolling back down the hill. Maybe the issue is attaching to strongly to the idea that it needs to continue upwards—or even not back to the bottom.
The Buddhist’s impermanence talks ring in my head—everything is fleeting and attempting to grasp onto anything too tightly causes suffering. But I’ve struggled with the idea of loosening the grip. It feels too close to giving up. If after you’ve pushed the boulder so far, how does one not lose their enthusiasm or determination? How does one continue the absurd task with a smile such as Sisyphus?
Internal challenges have been quite hard for me to say the least. Recently, I've been thinking that thinking all of the time (circular, I know) is not how we work through issues. Being extremely naive, it seems that some of the great philosophers of the past spent drastically more time thinking about the problems of life than actually working through them or finding some true resolve and answers that work for them to move on and live.
Maybe mental models won’t solve everything. Overthinking won't solve our problems if they don't bring us forward into action. If circularly thinking doesn't move us forward, then we need a different approach to the internal battle we all face.
Maybe changing the battle from internal to external is the key. It changes the nature of the battle we're having. A spy within the castle walls is the hardest of battles to fight. Otherwise, the battle from within can be elusive and tiring.
Once the enemy is outside of us, it then becomes us against it. Our identity stays intact and we develop some strength within ourselves. Although it’s an illusion, it doesn't feel like it. It’s us against ourselves the whole time.
We all need to face ourselves, but the medium is everything. It may make the impossible, possible.