No, You Can't Have It All
In Mark Manson’s article No, You Can't Have It All, he argues that we now have more opportunities and thus higher opportunities costs. We also have more awareness of the lives of others which can cause FOMO (fear of missing out) and lead to individuals wanting to “have it all”. But, one must recognize that our resources are limited and we can’t have everything. Instead, must we accept our limitations, want less and choose what’s really of value to us.
Mark mentions that people who have a purpose problem is caused by them not knowing what to give up. In another article, he writes about the 4 stages of life: mimicry, self-discovery, commitment and legacy. It seems the barrier between transitioning between the self-discovery and commitment phase comes from this exact issue.
With the many opportunities now, it can be difficult to choose between them. Many of which are equally good and not intrinsically better than the others. So as a person that tends to overthink everything, decision overload and considering all possibilities can be a bit overwhelming. Add a really slow permutations algorithm to determine the best decision out of all possibilites here—ha, if only.
As Mark refers to those who “want it all” I realize I’m this person. I want a great career, skills, to read often, solid finances, relationships, a fun adventurous life, to travel, continue training/working out, to make music, help others, to build an online business, become a better writer, blog, create digital products and the list goes on. If you know me personally, you would know that I’m only executing well on the first few things—with the latter half completely dropping off or being relatively inconsistent.
Although I struggle to choose what’s most valuable to me, I realize I’m still in the phase of self-discovery. During this time, I’m doing my best to learn from my experiences, mistakes and find out what works for me. By being mindful, it will help me transition to the commitment phase sooner—instead of staying in a perpetual loop of insanity and getting stuck in the self-discovery phase.
About a month before I read this article, I had a bit of an existential crisis. Of course, like all things, this passed. But with it, I came to realize that this time that may produce anxiety is really an opportunity to reflect on one’s own life and in the end—as Mark mentions—is a luxury.
With my existential crisis, I came to the conclusion that we choose what “purpose” is in our lives. To some, this is where the dread comes from: knowing that it’s only us who really define our purpose while there’s so many paths and opportunities we can take. Some may end up alluding to paths and attaching to egos that are predefined to make it easier to derive purpose, identity and not have to make a decision for themself. But doing deep reflection, asking yourself hard questions and acting on these self-discoveries is really the only way one will be truly contented in life. Otherwise, we’re lying to ourselves.
Definining your purpose is really only half the battle. Purpose with commitment is nothing. Backing out and redefining one’s purpose every few months will lead to nowhere—essentially running in circles. I’m learning this the hard way and am still at battle with it. But, I guess that’s the self-discovery phase and what the article is all about.
I also believes there a bit of a guilt I have deeply rooted within me that realizes opportunity cost. Sometimes I want to do something that doesn’t necessarily translate to money or career achievement and I feel like I should be doing something more “productive”.
For instance, I love making music, where time gets completely lost. But, I always tell myself I’ll do this later in life and focus on my career, skills and “productive” things. But, why should I stop myself from doing things that are joyful to me and let me express myself in a beautiful true way? Is it really an exclusive or? Or is this just an excuse to not do some of the things I love? Or would this be overcommitting to too many things again? So many questions.
“When we attempt to do everything, to fill up life’s checklist, to “have it all,” we’re essentially attempting to live a valueless life, a life where everything is equally gained and nothing lost. When everything is necessary and desired equally, then nothing is necessary or desired at all.” — Mark Manson
Mark mentions that maybe the solution to all of this is to “want less” and prioritize what we care about. To decide what is most valuable to us and then living with it. I struggle with this a bit as I have difficultly place value on one thing against the other.